I've come to the conclusion that love is a bipolar experience.

Same old...

Sometimes I'm okay and J isn't in my head, and sometimes I am just devastated.

I did a semi-stupid thing. I have spent the last few years being tortured by my 24k internet connection and decided to take the bull by the horns and purchase high speed internet. That's not the stupid thing.

The stupid thing is I emailed J and asked him if he could possibly help me set it up along with my router and get the whole wireless thing going if I have problems. IF I have problems. He emailed back that yes he would.

So we exchanged a few emails. Long story short I said he hated me and he said he didn't and could never hate me. I asked if maybe we could hang out no pressure and he never responded back.

I then received my modem and hooked up my internet no problem but I anticipated problems with hooking up the router. So I called J and he wasn't home. I spoke with his mother. His mother informed me that he was out and we got to talking about our ex-relationship and she basically kept giving me false hope saying he wanted to work things out but thought I was a horrible human being.

Well, he doesn't think I'm a horrible human being but he thinks I'm the one mostly at fault because I was overly critical and he thought he could never make me happy or please me. She said THAT was the reason why he broke up with me.

That’s the reason? I finally find out the real reason why he broke up with me almost 2 months after we broke up. How fucked up is that? Anyway, we finished our conversation and she says that she and J's father are heartbroken that I am no longer a part of the family. She said she'd give him the message and that I should contact him the next day.

I emailed him the next day and he says he'd be over in a couple of days. Fine. He comes over and he's smelling so good, and looking really nice and I'm just missing him so much and want to cry and smother him in kisses all at the same time.

He stayed for about 2 and a half hours and we talked like normal, like we used to always talk. I finally decided to get the answers I wanted. I asked him if he would like to go out sometime and he said sure. Then I asked him how he felt and he said he just doesn't feel that way about me right now and that THAT was part of the reason why he broke it off with me. He said and I quote: "It's not that I don't like you, I do. But..." That right there was like a knife right through my heart. He said like, not love. He said he wanted to put our relationship and the feelings on the shelf for now, he needs time.

He's getting all the time in the world. I refuse to ever contact him again. Not because I'm being a bitch, but because I got my closure and it's time I move on. Unfortunately, I have to move on. If he can only be happy without me, then so be it. I want him to be happy even if it means I'm in pain.

That was roughly 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since.

And each day it's getting a little easier to take. I'm not a total walking zombie now.

And that was my stupidity of the month. A whole new month will begin shortly and with that will be a visit to the next province over to see my best friend and his wife. I will only be staying one night, August 13th, and I just might get a part in a movie that my friend is filming!

Style...

Hope you enjoy the new layout. Unfortunately the notify list stuff clashed with this layout so I deleted it. However, if you would like to be on my notify list then either sign the guestbook, the notes, or send me an email telling me which email address to notify and I'll be glad to hook you up.

Appearance...

I've lost some more weight. I have been biking up a storm and walking around downtown near my work at lunch almost every day. I do the stairs at work everyday and I mostly make it up the 12 flights. I've cut down on my eating, and what I am eating is healthier. All I've been drinking is water and I drink a fair amount every day.(something akin to 4-5 bottles a day) I've got a great goal in mind and when I reach it I'll be sure to tell you what it is.

However, this hasn't stopped the shitty problems I've been having with my stomach and bowels.

I have an appointment to see a gastroenterologist on Tuesday. Hopefully he will help determine just what is wrong with me. My mother thinks it's mental. She says I'm affected by stress and that I should try to relax. I don't feel more stressed out than usual, so I don't know if I agree with her theory. But in the meantime I figured I'd go to see my own GP. She referred me to this gastroenterologist because she doesn't know what's wrong with me either but has some ideas.

I do NOT know what the gastro-guy will do to me, or what tests he will have done to me... I am clueless about that stuff. Can anyone fill me in?

Love...

I am totally loving my 2 yr old niece. She absolutely loves her Auntie Splinter with a passion. She's always playing games with me and watching me do things. She imitates me all the time and says everything I say.(which I have to be careful about!) And she makes me ache to have a daughter. I've totally fallen in love with her because she's just so precious. And that, also, breaks my heart, but for once it's in a good way.